Untitled (A Poem for Malachi)

[This poem was written between July 1 and July 11, 2011 by Jennifer “Xzotiqa” Allums]
   
I do believe this moment is part of His Master Plan
But as I envision my son’s fragile body cuddled in the palm of my hand
Mixed feelings fuel a struggle with insanity
Just comparing how other mothers put such a strong focus on vanity
Hoping their baby will have the world’s cutest curls
Or feeling angry at the thought of a boy because all they desired for was a girl
And here I lay--
Trying my best to portray
The ultimate image of optimism and strength
When in my heart I’m still in shock at the report that I’ll soon be saying my goodbyes
To the baby boy we went through such great lengths
To create
Trying to understand how to go about this experience
When not even a day will separate
The joy of life and sorrow of death
While this baby comes into the world awaiting his inevitable last breath...

Unassigned tears fall, as prematurely broken waters flood the earth
Dreading next week’s memories from our first child’s bittersweet birth
His heart beats inside me
So precious and full of life he seems
Yet still I am torn between relishing in our final moments
Or detaching from his face on the ultrasound screens
He deserves so much more than a half-assed farewell
And I know I’ll regret it as my fingers trace the leftover swell
In my stomach
Or when his food drips helplessly from my breasts
In absence of a real purpose
No tiny mouth to satisfy
No calming of hungry infant cries…
But in reality, these thoughts are as premature as the baby we named Malachi
You see
Because a 1 in 1000 chance still equals a possibility
And that places a certain fear in me
That makes me backslide from that ounce of hope
Afraid to trip, fall, and slide down that dangerous slippery slope
Of False Security
High hopes being tugged down by a force as natural as gravity
How can I jumpstart preparation of my mind
When no one has the slightest idea what the outcome will be?
But here I stand in breech position on God’s promises to bring peace
One that surpasses all medical understandin'
Penetrates my soul through Jeremiah 29:11
“I alone know the plans I have for you
Plans to bring you prosperity, and not disaster
Plans to bring about the future you hope for,” says the Master
I desperately cling with bruised hands to those words
And though non-believers may consider it absurd
I use them as a filter for every statistic I’ve heard