The Aftermath

©Jennifer “Xzotiqa” Johnson-Allums 2011
​
Eyes burn a hole in spaces beyond my peripheral
Curiosity comes in the form of careless whispers
Could all be a figment of my imagination
Or possibly a premonition of what the future holds
My “Welcome Back” to the Real World--
Which will never view me as a mother
Until they see smiling baby pictures
Or are able to hear the latest stories of adorable infant occurrences
No, to the Real World I am no more a mother 
Than I was at age 7
Cradling my favorite doll in wishful arms
21 years later, these arms are now as empty as my womb…
​And they are sorry for my loss
​

Bcuz they have lost a parent or friend
They know exactly how I feel
Bcuz they too have grieved a death
So the loss of a pregnancy could not differ much
Or could not be as bad
Little do they know…
I grieve for more than the loss of being pregnant
Little do they acknowledge…
I gave birth to a real baby boy
One who died before I was ready
Little do they comprehend…
They could never imagine how I feel
Because although I only had one baby
Sometimes I feel I grieve for three
I grieve for what was, what could’ve been, and what will never be
I grieve for the loss of my son but also the death of my hopes & dreams
And every good thing I imagined for him
Every joyous scenario I replayed on repeat in the back of my head
And the forefront of my mind, just to kill time
I grieve because I’m aching to feel another child existing inside of me
But deep down in my heart I know another child can never replace the one I lost
I grieve because now I must forever refer to my son in the past tense
I grieve for every person who has ever had to endure such a loss before me
I recall the past lies of comfort I provided with the most genuine intentions
And I regret every word that seeped past my lips
Because if I moved on with my life within the day
How could I truly be sorry?
And though I claimed to,
Truth be told, I had absolutely no clue
How they felt
And probably would never have had this epiphany
Unless it happened to me.

8-12-2011